I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.