Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

*limbos away from your hug*

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.