I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
phew
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*