I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.