I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.