I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
yes… yes…
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family