Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers