Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up