I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
SPLOOT
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder