I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
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Happy weekend !
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
*puts words between two asterisks*
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
This billboard speaks to me
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.