I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
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Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help