I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
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My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*