I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible