I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
the three branches of government
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates