I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected