Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

it is time once again

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them