I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
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My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
the official breakfast of 2021
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!