I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.