I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
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Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Going into Monday like
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!