Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
You Might Also Like
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
How do you know you’re allergic to cats if you don’t even eat them?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”