@BrennanMichaelP

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

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@AGreaterMonster

A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!

@GinAndJif

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

@elle91

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

@Sarcasticsapien

Most Trump supporters favorite Disney character is the hunter who shot Bambi’s mom and we all know it.

@FattMernandez

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

@xoCAMILLAxo

I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!

@horsedetective

Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.