Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥