Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Me sliding into hell like

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.