I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
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[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
That time Alicia messaged me
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now