I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
You Might Also Like
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
😜
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?