Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet