Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no way

Best seat on the street 😍

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Customize Your Wedding.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.