Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

For anyone who needs this today

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!