I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
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“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.