I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
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Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.