Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

ㅤ

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

This fish is cracking me up

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”