I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
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Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
airing out the snack pack
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
much to think about
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.