I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
This is enough internet for the day.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.