Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

OH. COME. ON.

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

Sign of the day..

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real