I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
who wants to go expliring
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too