I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
If snakes were wide
