Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

spot the difference

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

the only bumper sticker ill allow

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.