I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.