I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
You Might Also Like
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Friends that check up on you >
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
When your parents check you’re ok.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
🤣😂
We found love in a hopeless place.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.