I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.