Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

guilty

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

I’m not wrong

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

pelicons

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.