I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.