Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

If you know, you know 😂🚔

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.