I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
notice
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward