Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.