I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search