Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..