Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?