I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
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Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
#SaturdayBears
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?