I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
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My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!