I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.