I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
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this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Um … Hot Wings please
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly