Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

I throw rocks from my glass horse.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.