I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
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You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
mathematically impossible
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Bro what is this
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist