I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You Might Also Like
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.