@ChristianPlante
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
@CruisinSoozan
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
You Might Also Like
@ChristianPlante
@Brampersandon_
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
@DelanieFischer
Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.
@B1gBrainsMcGee
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
@pro_worrier_
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
@trojansauce
[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie
@shayf_
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
@heatherlou_
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
@BigJDubz
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
@amselts
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”