@CruisinSoozan

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

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@ChristianPlante

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

@Brampersandon_

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

@DelanieFischer

Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.

@B1gBrainsMcGee

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

@pro_worrier_

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

@trojansauce

[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie

@shayf_

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

@heatherlou_

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

@BigJDubz

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

@amselts

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”