I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.


[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*


Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.


If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs


4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower


[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie


What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario


I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.


Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?


[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”