Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

There’s never enough good news

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

Doormats are a gateway rug.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.