I went from rags to one rag.
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?