I went from rags to one rag.
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I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time