I went from rags to one rag.
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Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
drew a comic about my origin story
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.