I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
You Might Also Like
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.