Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

why am I working on Labor Day