I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
