I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
