They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
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“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
What a year we’ve had this week.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again