Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

my one true gender

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

This kid will have a bright future.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.