Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.