Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.