Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

ㅤ

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner