Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

don’t we all

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time