I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
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5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
